I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
