I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
