Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
