Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
