I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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