this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
