You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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