I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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