you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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