Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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