dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
nutella sex= disaster
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
