I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
