He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize