Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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