If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
