all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Randomize
