So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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