At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
