Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
