I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
