as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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