i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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