If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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