i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
