Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
