I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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