Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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