my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
