Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
