I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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