And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
