Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize