But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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