I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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