Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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