Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
