peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
