I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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