Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
