listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
