im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
