i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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