I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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