I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
