My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
