Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
