Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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