Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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