i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Damn victory sex feels great
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
