then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
