Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
