8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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