just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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