Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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