The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
