now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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