she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
