I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
