I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
