Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
