Im at strip club and am horny
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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