I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
