You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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